I have to go
by ncis-csiNY
Summary: this is a Story which belongs in my AU "We are back" and it's about the romantic relationship of Paula Cassidy and Gerald Jackson and the friendship between Jenny Shepard and Paula Cassidy it has spoilers from season's 4 episode 19


**Disclaimer :I don't own NCIS, I wish I did but I don't...**

**A/N: Well this is a Story which belongs in my AU "We are back" and it's about the romantic relationship of Paula Cassidy and Gerald Jackson and the friendship between Jenny Shepard and Paula Cassidy**

**it has spoilers from season's 4 episode 19 **

Paula's POV

I am lost. I look outside my window thinking 'what the hell I am going to do?' The letter that I found under my door carpet terrified me. It's says "_You can run but you can't hide. We will find you and we will kill you... And not only you... We first are planing to kill everyone around you." _and they did. My team members were dead because of me. 24 hours before everything was fine. Jerald asked me to marry him and I've said yes, I was finally going to be Mrs Jackson his wife. Now? Now world had crushed down. I closed my eyes and let the tears flow down and wet my cheeks, I could use a drink and a strong one, but as I was walking to the cabinet where I was keeping my drinks my cell phone started ringing. I took it in my hands and I saw it was a text massage from Jenny saying :_"Hope you are ready. I am so sorry for that but this day was going to came for all of us. We all know it. See you soon Love Jenny"_

So yes it was true I Paula Cassidy have to stage my own death. "Oh that's just great !" I muttered to myself. I looked at the bottle of Vodka I was still holding in my hand. I never thought that this is how I was going to end up 24 hours after I engaged. Alone drinking Vodka again ! ' What A refreshing change!' she thought sarcastically. Gerald wasn't there he was working his staff were thought I couldn't bear looking at them anymore so I took out my phone and I called to Jenny

"_Shepard!" _Jenny's voice was heard from the phone she sounded tired. She shouldn't have much sleep, more likely she had no sleep all night.

"Director, it's me agent Cassidy." I said all this is ridiculous, I am not calling my boss, I was calling my friend!

"_Agent Cassidy why is that late call for?"_she asked her voice was professional, strictly professional and that was making me so angry , but still I could get the reason. Our phones could easily be under surveillance

"We need to talk Director it's an emergency" I said putting emphasis on the word emergency

"_Of course Agent Cassidy. In my office." _Jenny said

"OK Director." I said and I hung up the phone. I went straight on my bed room and I put on the first clothes I found in frond of me. My hair were hanging loosely around my face and I was still wearing my engagement ring because the truth is that I wasn't planing on getting it out any time soon. It was a perfect little piece of art, the white gold band with the aquamarine stone in the middle and the small diamonds around it. They were glistering from the faint light of my lamb on my night stand. I went to turne the light off and I returned to my leaving room.

I moved quickly around the room and found my keys in record time.

I drove to Jenny's house and managed to go unnoticed to the back yard where her back door was located. I knocked twice hoping that she will answer, knowing at the same time she won't.

When she didn't I opened the door surprised to see that it was unlocked.

_'Well that's normal and totally unaccepted! The director of NCIS should NOT leave her back door unlocked..' _

I was thinking back when we were totally care free... she didn't used to lock her door back then either. Later I realized this was because of Gibbs among other things like her taste in drinks, the rules she had and lived by, the head slaps at the back of their heads, the barking to her team members, her shooting and interrogating skills and of course the coffee.

I walked further into her kitchen and I saw a small light coming from her study '_Of course where else she could be?' _I thought smiling at how much the same she still is. Like back in the days they were a team she still liked to spent her time alone in her office probably with a glass of Bourbon her favorite king of drink.

"Jenny? Where are you?" I asked even if I knew the answer to my question.

"In the study Paula, lock the door." she said quietly her voice was a little shaky. I guessed she was crying and I could tell that Gibbs and a specific Army Colonel had something to so with it. I walked from the kitchen to the study and I found her sitting behind her desk with a bottle of Bourbon half empty beside her empty glass. Her green eyes were puffy from crying 'probably' I thought.

She looked at me and I felt her pain, her sorrow. I couldn't realize at first the reason but it didn't took me long to understand. Today was the day she lost her baby girl, her daughter.

"Hey" I said quietly, "I know it's not the right time but I just couldn't be alone tonight and Gerald... I don't want to put him through this. He doesn't deserve it." I said. I hadn't moved even a step from where I was standing next to the door.

"It's OK Paula, I don't want to be alone either. And I cant call Jethro... I lost him for good now..." I saw a single tear rolling down her cheek. She let it trace her face she didn't wiped it, she didn't try to hid it... she felt... defeated.

"You still love him." I stated. I wasn't blaming her and sure as hell I wasn't judging her, I was just stating the obvious, after all there was nothing to suggest the opposite.

"Does it matter now? He has his perfect woman, why would he look at me? I... I am broken. I lost his child, I was unable to protect her. I am just a pathetic excuse of a mother." she said as more tears flowed down her cheeks.

"No! Jenny this is a lie and you know it. Look at Kelly, she is a bright young lady and all is thanks to you. You are her mother figure, her mom died when she was a little girl. She was broken too and you fixed her. Abby thinks of you as a mom, she told me unwillingly when we were talking a couple of weeks ago. You are most defiantly now a pathetic excuse of a mother."

"The why my baby girl is not upstairs sleeping? Why her father ignores her existence? Why is she six feet under the cold ground?" Jenny broke down in tears, she was shaking and sobbing uncontrollable. I walked to her and stood by her side. I put my hand to her shoulder trying to calm her, I've never seen her like that before.

"Shh Jenny, calm down. Just it wasn't meant to be..." I said to her trying to calm her down, "Some things are not meant to happen. Not until the time and the place is the right one."

I stayed with my best friend, my mother, my sister, my boss, my partner in crime, my director, with Jenny all night talking about everything and nothing. Remembering the good moments and the bad. Mourning for our losses. I left when the sun was up leaving just a note to Jenny who was still sleeping peacefully on her bed. After all the tears had dryed I spent the last few hours of the night in the guest room writing the note I left to Jenny. I almost wrote one for Gerald too, but I didn't, knowing me I would end up telling him everything...

I looked at the old mansion behind me for one last moment and I left.

Today is the day that all will be over for me.

The end of my way is close.

I got in my car hoping that at least this isn't going to be forever...

Jenny woke up, her head was hurting like hell. When she turned her head from the other side she saw a note on her pillow.

_Jenny_

_today is my last day as Paula Cassidy. I really hope we will meet again. Take care of yourself, Kelly, Abby, Ziva, Tony (please!) Tim, Gibbs, Ducky, NCIS, everyone..._

_and Gerald, especially him. I haven't told him anything, not to him, not to anyone. If you want to tell him, tell him. If you think that it's too dangerous then I am good with this too. _

_I know deep down that this isn't goodbye... _

_As I told you last night there is the right time and place for something to happen. Don't loose your chance to be happy! You deserve it. _

_Bye (for now) _

_with love Paula. _

_P.S. Please get Tony and Ziva together. Please!_

Jenny read the note ten times when her phone was heard. She picked it up …

* * *

"Shepard"

"Director?" Gibbs said "Jenny" he tried again but Jenny didn't answer.

"Yes agent Gibbs." she said trying hard to hide the sadness in her voice.

"It's agent Cassidy, she... she died." he said.

"Thank you agent Gibbs for informing me. I want a report of the incident on my desk the soonest and the bastard dead." she said.

"He is dead" Gibbs said.

"Good then. I want the report the soonest. By the way agent Gibbs I wont be coming in today I am not feeling very well, could you be acting director for today?" she asked.

"Of course Jenny. Are you OK?" hr asked and his voice was soften from his concern.

"Yes Jethro, just a headache. Bye..."

* * *

Paula got out of the plane the Witnesses protection agency gave to transfer her to her new home.

She might have just died but it was agreeable that Mexico was the greatest paradise she could go...

If only she had Gerald with her too...

**A/N 2 : I hope you enjoyed the fic. Let me know your thoughts!**

**Thanks for reading !**


End file.
